The vibrating condom is banned (possibly and probably) because it gave women (or at least promised) women pleasure. And a minister who thinks women ‘flaunt’ themselves and therefore deserves to be molested, watches them flaunting themselves for his own satisfaction

Just the other night I was told of the launch of the vibrating condom.

I have been out of touch with this market for awhile, because I was informed that this was launched in 2008 or so. The product was indigenously developed by Hindustan Latex, a public sector company in based Kerala.

The condom itself is I think made from latex, as is the general garden variety. But it has a an additional ring which contains a small battery .The ring is slipped on after the event of the donning of the robe so to speak, and then at the appropriate moment switched on and I am told, it buzzes, ‘bzzes’ and generally shimmies on the organ in question. If one is hypersensitive or ticklish, the consequences could be ‘oops’ or ‘hee-hee’ or both. Otherwise I presume it is meant to evoke ‘ooh’ and ‘aaah’ from the partner, making the wearer smile with self evident satisfaction.

I was impressed with this ingenuity. Then I was told that the team of research scientists which developed this Wand of Wont featured three sari-clad south Indian women with flowers in their hair and the obligatory vermillion marking to signify wedded status. In short, traditional as they come. But clearly educated and progressive when it came to what science could do: Sort of like Indra Nooyi  meets Madame Curie or something like that. They told my friend who is in the rubber business, as in the making of rubber products business that the battery lasted for five minutes after which it would cease to provide one with the tingle. Now five minutes seems a little short, especially for those men who think they have endurance as one of their better attributes.

So my friend was a little taken aback when he was told by the south Indian ladies that it was one ring for three condoms and that the battery life was five minutes in total. He, I am sure like all men would, cocked an eyebrow at this, with an are-you-kidding-lady-five-minutes-for-three-interactions type of look. The south Indian ladies (you would have noticed that I use the collective, since I don’t  know who spoke, but I am sure that they did not speak in unison like a Greek chorus), responded that their research clearly indicated that for the average Indian man this was more than adequate. Having punctured the illusions of manhood, they wafted away leaving my friend holding Crescendo, for that is what it is called, in his hand. Diminuendo may have better suited the moment.
He claims to still have the sample in his possession, un-vibrated as it were.

The story continued: Apparently this technological marvel was introduced in the state of Andhra Pradesh. Soon after, the government of this state was seized of the need to ban its sale. The stocks were withdrawn and I am told this now sells in the state of Kerala where it originated.

I am curious. Why the ban? I provide four possible hypotheses:
1. The condom was unsafe and acted like a penile taser shocking the wearer.
2. It electrocuted the sexual partner.
3. It promised too much and delivered too little, as do most men in general.
4. It was far too good and had women writhing in ecstasy.

I surmise that it was the last one that prompted the keepers of virtue in the venerable state of Andhra Pradesh to cast the offending object from their eyes, so to speak.

Maybe the condom is but a prophylactic in its truest sense, preventing not just pregnancy and disease, but pleasure as well. And heaven be bashful if the pleasure extended to women, too.

I also believe that this product is now available in Kerala.

Now all this is hearsay and not admissible in court, as they say. I have no intent to asperse the people or administration of any state within the Union of India. I have nothing but goodwill to all men. And women.

And that is what my issue actually is. It seems that even in this twenty first century we still separate the sexes as if they were two species. One set of standards for the one and another for the other.

And so it comes to pass that the minister in another southern state is caught watching porn while the assembly is in session. In itself this is not notable as there is sufficient evidence that men surf for porn while at work. (Companies pay good money to firewall this, as a rule). And one could say that the said minister was at work after all.

The problem is that the same guy also ranted about how women who dressed provocatively deserved to be raped. I also understand that he was the minister for women’s welfare and child development. Which was real insult to injury like the parrot said when he was taken from his native land and made to speak English too, to quote the venerable Sam Weller from The Pickwick Papers. Putting aside the simple question as to how insensitive and moronic a government can get to appoint a man in charge of women’s welfare and child development in the first place, this is symptomatic of the problem: Men are the noble and pure and moral things, and women are the cause of all sin and immorality in general. Shades of the Old Testament, and the truly obnoxious idea of the Original Sin. It is the same malaise that you see when you hear the first sentence of a traditional Jewish Prayer, obviously said by men, which says “Thank you God for not making me a woman.”  It is the same syndrome when Paul revives the concept of Original Sin from the Old Testament. It is the same disease that the Taliban infected a whole country with.

The vibrating condom is banned (possibly and probably) because it gave women (or at least promised) women pleasure. And a minister, who thinks women ‘flaunt’ themselves and therefore deserves to be molested, watches them flaunting themselves for his own satisfaction. It is exactly the same attitude you see in Ram when he asks Sita, a kidnap victim, to prove her purity.

It is a sad commentary on our times.

But I take heart from this quote of Dorothy Parker, from the first half of the twentieth century. She said, “The weaker sex is the stronger sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.”

One day it will come to pass that women will not just be equal to men, but that we will never need to even state it.

And condoms will vibrate happily and hopefully for longer than now.

(V Shantakumar is the former chairman & CEO of Saatchi & Saatchi in India. He is now the managing partner at Doing Think, a consulting company. Mr Shantakumar has over four decades of wide ranging experience as a marketing strategist and communication specialist and has played a key role in the creation and growth of some significant brands in India.)