I sometimes wonder where good manners end and where honesty begins. Where a person cannot honestly say yes to a request, even if it’s just that you want to say... And, what does he do when he has to say no, when it is not good form to say no?
When I asked aunt Reena, who was visiting us, if she would have a drink, her immediate reaction was to say no. I try to coax her. No, she insists, I will have a soft drink. So I serve a Coke. Ten minutes later, my wife comes in and asks me why aunt Reena is having a Coke when she can have a gin or wine instead. Didn’t you ask aunty to have a drink? My wife confronts me. I tell her that I did, and that she had refused to have one. Therefore, I gave her a soft drink.
“Oh aunty Reena, do have something stronger than just a Coke. Some white wine or a gin perhaps?”—an appeal from my wife. “Okay, then,” aunt Reena says weakly, “a very small gin with lime—and make sure it’s very small.” I follow her instructions to the letter. I pour a half of a half peg, and for the next half hour, I see her looking at me with anger in her eyes.
As she finishes the contents of the glass and I move forward to get her a fresh one, she tauntingly says to me, “And this time let it not be only lime. Last time, I did not get any taste of the gin!”
A critical comment on my levels of hospitality, from someone who had said no to my first and second offers! Now, she wants a refill—and a strong one too! Did she say an honest no, or was it a modest yes?
Shyam was in a crowded Mumbai suburban train and when the train approached Bandra suburban station, a seat fell vacant. Shyam got to the seat just before a middle-aged lady did, so he hesitated a moment and told her that she could take it. She also hesitated and then said, “It’s alright, I will stand,” and looked away. Shyam took the seat.
During the rest of the journey, as the train surged forward or abruptly came to a sharp stop, a few times, the lady had a hard time keeping her balance. Occasionally, she shot a venomous look at Shyam sitting comfortably, reading the evening paper. But, in all fairness, Shyam had first offered the seat to her, and she had turned down the offer. She could have said yes, but did not—out of modesty, perhaps or as a matter of good form. She had said no and lost the opportunity to have a comfortable train ride back from work.
Ravi came to see his boss, Rao. Ravi had phoned earlier and asked for an appointment. As soon as Rao was seated, Ravi took an envelope out of his pocket and handed it over to Rao. Ravi said that he had decided to resign and he wanted to hand over the letter personally. Could he be relieved in the next few weeks? Ravi had not been faring too well in the company. In fact, for the past year, he was given only a token increment, as his performance was far from satisfactory.
Now, Rao was caught off guard and unprepared. He did not have a replacement ready. Could Ravi please stay on? Yes, it was true that Ravi had not been given a good increment last year, but that was only a temporary aberration. There was a good future for Ravi in the organisation, he must stay and make a career in this company. Rao did not have the courage to commit himself to an honest yes. In the process, he created another problem which would be even more difficult to solve!
John was visiting India from the UK, the world HQ of his company. He was invited to dinner by Mohan, the manager for India, at his home in Chennai. This was John‘s first trip to India and the third day of his visit. When John went to Mohan‘s home that evening at 8 o’clock, he took a gift of an embroidered table set for Mohan and his wife. It was gift-wrapped and had a card.
When John arrived at Mohan‘s house, he presented the gift to them. Mohan was loud and insisted that John should not have brought any gift. Mohan left the gift on his side table and seemed to have forgotten about it for the rest of the evening. In England, the giving of a gift would have been appreciated. It would have been graciously accepted, and the parcel would have been immediately opened and favourably commented on! Further, the hosts might even have said, “Let us use it immediately at dinner tonight.”
John wondered whether he had broken some cultural norm in India. Both Mohan and his wife had pooh-poohed the gift and studiously ignored it till John left. He wondered, did Mohan say, “You should not have done it” as a matter of good etiquette?
Responding with an honest,—“Thank you very much. We appreciate your thoughtfulness” - would have gone a long way and, in fact, a little beyond. The way Mohan and his wife behaved, spoilt it for everyone, especially for John, who had taken a lot of time choosing an appropriate and expensive gift.
Sam was conducting an appraisal interview. Mani was a young production engineer who had been with the company for two years. An Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) graduate, Mani had done extremely well in these two years and provided a few interesting innovations for the more efficient working of the production unit. Sam complimented him on his contribution. He said he was proud of Mani and was glad to have him in this team.
Mani shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He said that much of the credit should go to his colleagues. They had really done a lot of the work. He had only been a catalyst and did not deserve all the compliments. But Mani stretched it a little too long. With the result that Sam changed his mind, to agree that Mani was perhaps right. After considerable reflection, Sam gave a grading of good, instead of excellent. Mani paid a price for modesty, when he could have gained from honesty!
Whether in the workplace or in a social environment, all of us need to be careful, and always know where to draw the line. And know how to appropriately use an honest yes and a modest no.
(Walter Vieira is a Fellow of the Institute of Management Consultants of India - FIMC. He was a successful corporate executive for 14 years, capping his career as Head of marketing for a Pharma multinational, for India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka- and then pioneered marketing consulting in India in 1975. As a consultant, he has worked across four continents. He was the first Asian elected Chairman of ICMCI, the world apex body of consultants in 45 countries, in 1997. He is the author of 16 books, a business columnist, international conference speaker and has been visiting professor in Marketing in the US, Europe, and Asia for over 40 years. He was awarded Lifetime Achievement Award for Consulting in 2005, and for Marketing in 2009. He now spends much of his time in NGO work - Consumer Education and Research Centre, IDOBRO, and some others.)
